Addiction is a devastating disease – not just for you, but for everyone close to you. It doesn’t just affect your health or behavior; it can deeply impact your spouse and entire family dynamic.
If you are suffering from a substance use disorder, you may have noticed yourself becoming secretive and emotionally distant. Perhaps you’ve become a less reliable partner or parent as a result. These changes may have happened in an attempt to hide the severity of your disease or because you want to protect your family from the worst parts of your struggle. However, very few people are successful in hiding the changes in their lives as their addiction worsens.
Spouses without substance use disorders often handle these changes in two different ways. In some cases, sober spouses may inadvertently enable your disease by making excuses for behavior, shielding you at family events, taking on additional responsibilities, or even providing drugs or alcohol to keep the peace. Other partners may confront their observations more directly, which can lead to anger, resentment, arguing, and, in some cases, violence.
All of these challenging dynamics can trigger feelings of instability, fear, distrust, shame, anger, confusion, guilt, and resentment in both spouses. If you have found this blog, you are likely aware of the strain your substance use disorder is putting on your family, want to change this dynamic, and are looking for help figuring out how to start the conversation.
Quick Tips for Discussing Substance Use with Your Spouse
Talking about your substance use disorder is always difficult because it is deeply personal and highly emotional. You may feel defensive, guilty, hopeless, or terrified. You are also likely aware that your spouse may be experiencing a wide range of challenging emotions as well. You have likely been putting off this conversation for a long time because of how hard it is to approach such a sensitive topic with someone who loves you but has also been hurt by and may not understand your disease. Luckily, some general guidelines can help you talk to your spouse about your substance use disorder.
How to begin the discussion:
- Schedule a time and place where you both feel safe. Allow enough time for your spouse to process the information. Book a babysitter if you have children.
- Communicate the facts first – Let them know what you are taking and how often, your history with drugs and/or alcohol, and what changes you would like to make.
- Keep the initial conversation focused on your physical and mental well-being. Communicate your “why” in the best way you can.
- Understand your spouse may not sympathize with your plight. Be prepared for the typical questions: How? Why? When? With Whom? Where? How could you?
- Try not to become defensive. It is difficult to predict how your spouse might react, but any defensiveness on your part will likely lead to arguments and hurt feelings.
- The discussion will be emotional. Let your spouse know that you understand the consequences of your addiction and how they impact your spouse and your family.
- Ask for support on your recovery journey. You have a much higher chance of recovery when you have the support of your spouse and an addiction treatment center.
Of course, starting a conversation about substance use is difficult. However, it is extremely difficult to enter recovery without telling your spouse the truth. Furthermore, patients whose families participate in and support their recovery journey are far more likely to have successful outcomes. Addiction recovery is within reach – and as a team, you can heal your relationship and recover with the help of a committed team of substance use professionals like the team at Buena Vista Health and Recovery Center.
Start the Conversation
You may be carrying a lot of guilt because you know your disease is hurting your family. Your life looks nothing like you thought it would, and you may feel it is out of your control. However, with the right treatment programs and a commitment to open and honest communication, your spouse can become a vital member of your recovery team.
Know the Goal
What are you hoping will come from this conversation? Is your priority to stop lying to your loved ones? Do you have a clear plan for treatment that you want to include them in? Or are you ready to enter treatment and want your spouse to help you determine the next steps? For some, having a spouse acknowledge their use of drugs or alcohol can be the goal, while others may want to come prepared to help a spouse commit to a professional detox program.
The best way to address substance use with your spouse is to have a plan for your recovery and outline the steps you are willing to take toward your goal. A clear goal will open the door to a constructive conversation rather than one that is accusatory, emotional, and counterproductive. If you aren’t sure what your goal is, be honest about that as well. The most important thing is to start the conversation.
Stay Calm
Emotions tend to run high during these conversations. Remember to speak softly and breathe. Give your spouse the space to process their surprise, anger, confusion, and resentment, which may take more time and space than you expect. This can be a benefit of entering residential treatment if that is something you are considering. Treatment can provide both physical and emotional space during this challenging time, and skilled residential therapists can offer individual therapy for you, as well as couples or family therapy, to help you start rebuilding trust and communication.
Be Prepared to Discuss Specifics
You may not recognize all the ways your disease has impacted your spouse and family. Be open to how your spouse feels. Your spouse may focus on specific actions or behaviors exhibited while you were under the influence – but remember that they are not attacking your character or person – only the way you behaved. While it is understandable for those engaging with drugs and alcohol to be defensive about their use when addressed, defensiveness is likely to lead to arguments. As difficult as it may be for you to hear what they have to say, it is essential to allow them to share their experiences.
Keep It a Discussion
Any discussion surrounding addiction is still a dialogue, and it is crucial to allow spouses to speak their truth. These conversations are not lectures or interrogations but rather open discussions about how to move forward and address the concerns at hand. Start the conversation in a safe, neutral space and allow each other to speak and to be heard. If you find it challenging to maintain a neutral, constructive tone, consider taking a break from the conversation. Some couples benefit from having a therapist to help them communicate more effectively. Recovery centers like Buena Vista have clinical teams that can meet with you together and help you communicate with each other with respect and honesty.
Have Treatment Resources On-Hand
Researching effective detox, residential, and outpatient programs is incredibly beneficial. Learn about the options available to you by contacting Buena Vista Recovery and verifying your insurance coverage for treatment. Then, take action. Go to rehab. Stick with the outpatient program. Involve your spouse in your lifestyle changes.
Recovery is always about yourself first. But the support of your spouse and family may be the boost you need when your commitment is wavering.
Help is Available
Addiction affects entire families. At Buena Vista Recovery, we understand the importance of addressing the familial impact of addiction. We can teach you strategies to overcome your addiction and begin your healing journey.
Buena Vista Recovery is committed to the entire continuum of care, from education about our transformative programs to medical detox to residential and outpatient care. Family healing is important. Discover how we can assist your family by calling 480-999-0851 or contacting us here.
